Tami Hollendonner remembers the extent of her sex education as a Catholic teen in the 1970s. "My mom and dad never told me about the birds and the bees. There was no talk about birth control or why not to have sex," says the 42-year-old mother of two from Darien, Illinois. "The message was that you didn't do it. It was pounded into you-God said you didn't do it, so you didn't."

Now the parent of a 13-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter, Hollendonner wants to make sure her children learn a different message about sex and sexuality. She wants them to wait until they're mature enough to have sex, but she also wants them to understand that sex is beautiful with a person you love. She wants them to feel free to ask her about anything, to share anything, and to always know she's there for them no matter what mistakes they might make.

"I think parents should educate like crazy and eliminate the Catholic guilt part of it," she says. "And when kids want to talk about it, drop everything and talk."

But talking about sex and sexuality isn't easy for many parents. It's a buried landmine where morality and hormones can collide without warning and where the repercussions of a single act can be lifelong. As parents guide their teens through issues of sexuality, many find the process as difficult as their children do, especially in a society that makes kids feel like everyone's "doing it."

In fact, everyone's not doing it, but the statistics are still frightening for most parents. Fourteen percent of 13- to 16-year-olds are sexually active, according to a recent survey by Princeton Survey Research Associates, with that number rising to 41 percent for 15- and 16-year-olds.

In response to these realities, some parents and educators have focused on abstinence and just saying no. Others have emphasized talking to teens about the beauty of sexuality and the benefits of waiting until marriage to share this gift. Some experts advocate educating children about the physical dangers of teen sex-unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases-while others recommend parents talk about the emotional dangers of teen sex and the lifelong scars that can result.

But when it comes right down to it, some parents would prefer not to talk to their children about sexuality at all.

Let's talk about sex
"There's a lot of fear and dread about sex. I tell parents it's OK to respect sex because it is a power and it can be misused, but the misuse is usually from a deeper issue," says Bob Bartlett, author of Growing Toward Intimacy (Good Ground Press). "Sex is very much like a bottle of wine. You can open it and share it over dinner with your family, or you can drink the whole bottle, get in your car and drive, and end up harming somebody."

Helping teens learn to handle their sexuality responsibly begins with conversations from the time children are very young. The Princeton survey showed that 70 percent of teens have gotten a lot or some information about sex and sexual relationships from their parents, but many are still gleaning information-often inaccurate-from friends and the media.

"If parents don't address sexuality and if there's not education from the school or church, then there's a vacuum that the media or peers will fill. If the messages from parents aren't clear enough, then the bad messages have the upper hand," says Tom Lickona, co-author of Sex, Love, and You: Making the Right Decisions (Ave Maria Press). "Unless parents talk to their kids about the sacredness of their bodies and self-respect, kids will be eaten alive by the media."

Parents and educators sometimes make the mistake of limiting sex education discussions to the act of intercourse, but they should also focus on sexual activity within the context of sexuality, intimacy, and self-respect, says Father John Heagle, co-author of Tender Fires: The Spiritual Promise of Sexuality (Crossroads).

For Catholic parents and teens, discussions should also include the message that sex is a gift from God, who asks them to commit to a chaste lifestyle, with reverence in relationships and an understanding of the joy of waiting for their future spouse to share that special relationship.

"A lot of these moral teachings a generation or two ago weren't presented in this positive way. There was an emphasis on the "don'ts' and not the "why,'" Lickona says. "As parents and teachers, we need to give kids a larger vision-not just to wait until marriage, but why, which is to express and deepen the couple's love and to create new life."

One way parents can do that is by modeling a healthy relationship and talking about the fact that people in good marriages find sex pleasurable. And while sex is innately pleasurable, it's important to have some self-discipline and learn that it's best done in the context of marriage.

"Just say no" is not enough
Teaching teens to exercise self-control and embrace a chaste lifestyle in today's highly sexualized society requires more than rigid rules. It's not just saying no, it's talking about what teens are saying yes to-that choosing chastity helps you find a partner who values you for who you are, takes the pressure off while you discover who you are, and protects you emotionally and physically until you have the maturity for this type of relationship.