How to keep your marriage nest feathered when your children have finally flown the coop

There are many passages in the parent-child relationship: birth, weaning from the breast or bottle, preschool or kindergarten, high school, full-time work or college, the first serious relationship, the first apartment, college graduation, earning a wage and paying bills. Each has its own mixture of pride and fear, encouragement and nostalgia.

Psychologists call the last few of these passages "launching," the growth of the young person toward full adult responsibility. The goal of healthy launching is the emergence of whole human beings-of both generations-who can each maintain a healthy sense of self, accept differences in each other, and relate with each other in positive, mutually respectful, and supportive ways.

The launching period is a new beginning for parents as well. Most parents have two to four decades of adult life ahead when their children leave home, a whole additional chapter beyond what their grandparents had. So they face some challenging questions that life did not pose 50 years ago:

• How will we get along as spouses without the children in the middle?
• What will each of us do with our individual lives after the children leave?
• How do we adjust our parenting to fit our now-adult children?

I have tried to explore answers to these questions that are both psychologically sound and inherent to the message and model of Jesus' life.

Just the two of us
How will we get along as spouses without the children in the middle? This is the issue that causes the most apprehension about the launching period. What will happen when we have to relate to each other directly instead of talking to and through the children?

One approach is the simple (not easy, but simple) practice of presence. The core of all relationships is being present to another: giving our full attention in a kind and receptive way, without barriers. As we learned from years of parenting, there is a world of difference between listening with one ear while the mind is elsewhere and listening with interest and the mind completely engaged. Without these moments of one-on-one connection, any relationship can feel empty. In the post-children quiet, it is helpful to spend a part of each day being present to our spouses.

Even if one disagrees with a particular opinion, it is possible to be present, to accept and respect the other's dignity, and to concentrate on better understanding that person's ideas and why that person holds them. Subsequent discussions always go more smoothly if each person is confident that she has been heard or his position is understood. Pretend to be interviewing a stranger to avoid the trap of assuming the answers.

Couples who make a point of spending adult time together regularly throughout their married life, pursuing things they enjoy doing together, have a big advantage in the launching stage. Throughout marriage a weekly or biweekly date is a good practice to help keep romance alive. Dates can be simple and inexpensive; child care can be traded with another couple. The point is to be present to each other without the children, talking with and listening to each other and doing something that both enjoy. Whatever a couple does-going out for a beer or ice cream, dancing or bowling or walking in the park-dates keep the primary relationship strong and make for an easier transition to life together after launching.

Those couples who focused all their time, energy, and conversation solely on the children for 20 years or so may have to invest some time rediscovering how to be present for and with each other as they were present for the children. There are some user-friendly tools designed just for them. My favorites have been field tested by couples and students and received enthusiastic reviews:

• John Gottman's The Relationship Cure (Three Rivers Press)
• William Doherty's Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart (The Guilford Press)
• The question-and-answer board game Ungame.

Giving that full attention to someone, accepting him or her as a person, sharing the impact of whatever pain or joy he or she is feeling, and being willing to respond with compassion is truly a sacred act. Compassionate presence is the core of Jesus' life and message, the model he taught in the story of a caring outsider, the Good Samaritan. This is what followers of Jesus are supposed to do and to be.

Practical pointers
If launching coincides with retirement, it can be trying to share the same space all day without annoying each other. Maureen says, "I can't stand it! He follows me around the house all day telling me how I should be doing things, even though I've been doing this for 25 years." Tom says, "I'm just trying to be helpful, but according to her, nothing I do is right. I feel useless around here."

It's time to step back and take another look at the big picture. However chores were divided while the children were home, launching and retirement are occasions to reconsider their distribution. Gone are the days when the man worked at the factory while the woman worked at home; he came home to rest or retire, but her shift never ended. Whatever the past pattern, there should be less work needed now. It is time to lighten and share the load.

The key is to find a balance together so that each one is responsible-not just "helping out" or coaching from the sidelines-for about half of the person-hours needed to make the household function.

It helps, too, to have some time to do things alone, apart from one's spouse, like having lunch with a friend.

A greater challenge faces those couples whose interaction has deteriorated to sniping and negativity. If, during the years of active parenting, one spouse's internal running commentary about the other has become dismissive and critical, that attitude leaks out through actions and tone of voice.

Couples who find themselves in an atmosphere of hostility-put-downs, sharp edges to verbal exchanges-will need to do some repair work. A strong sense of marital commitment, the courage to change, and the assistance of a qualified therapist may be helpful here. If a car engine makes a grating noise, or if it stalls in traffic, we don't hesitate to see someone trained to identify and work on the problem. I wish people would do the same for their important relationships.

Relational problems that are ignored rarely go away. Therapists do not "fix" anyone, but they can help partners do the work of addressing issues and learning to be present to each other, if that is what they want to do. It is best if both seek help together, but if one is unwilling, the assistance is valuable for the person who is ready.